I got a card this week from my father. We also got one at Christmas and so on. I ignore them, but my stomach does flip-flops inside......
(Post from Fathers Day on my former blog )
Happy Fathers Day :)
I don't speak to my father. Please, before judging me, be aware that I definitely have my reasons. And I definitely wish that it wasn't this way. It is not a simple, black and white, cut and dry issue either, and I couldn't begin to make anyone understand in one post. It is a complex situation stemming back to my childhood. He is a complex person (aren't we all?) with many great qualities, and I do understand that he contributed to my life, and in some ways, to who I am. He raised my brother and sister and me after my mother gave us to him as they were divorcing, when I was 5 years old-(I also don't communicate with her either.......another post another day.....) until I left home at age 16. I could list many good and horrible things that he has done to me and to others, but I won't today. Just know that if it were as simple as forgiving him for the past and starting "anew", then I wouldn't be writing this. I believe in God. I believe in forgiveness. I want my creator to forgive me for my wrong-doings in life. I do forgive my father. I wish only positive things for him. But, what it really comes down to is this; it is harmful to me as a person to allow him into my life. I've truly tried throughout my adulthood and it can never work out. I am a happier person without him in my life. I actually had to face the fact that he could and most likely will die without me "making up" with him. Of course inside I have struggled with guilt from the fact that he is my Father, (Honor thy Father) but I also know in my spirit that it is not right for me to open myself up to more bullshit. Even the burden of guilt - knowing he is lonely and growing older - doesn't outweigh the relief from the burden of dealing with him in my life. I also do feel sad that I don't have a Father OR a Mother in my life. To be honest, I think I have the deepest need for a Mother more than anything... Anyway, this post only scratches the surface, but it's enough for today. And in general I don't dwell in sadness or misery over this. I am grateful for the many blessings in my life. :)
(Post from Fathers Day on my former blog )
Happy Fathers Day :)
I don't speak to my father. Please, before judging me, be aware that I definitely have my reasons. And I definitely wish that it wasn't this way. It is not a simple, black and white, cut and dry issue either, and I couldn't begin to make anyone understand in one post. It is a complex situation stemming back to my childhood. He is a complex person (aren't we all?) with many great qualities, and I do understand that he contributed to my life, and in some ways, to who I am. He raised my brother and sister and me after my mother gave us to him as they were divorcing, when I was 5 years old-(I also don't communicate with her either.......another post another day.....) until I left home at age 16. I could list many good and horrible things that he has done to me and to others, but I won't today. Just know that if it were as simple as forgiving him for the past and starting "anew", then I wouldn't be writing this. I believe in God. I believe in forgiveness. I want my creator to forgive me for my wrong-doings in life. I do forgive my father. I wish only positive things for him. But, what it really comes down to is this; it is harmful to me as a person to allow him into my life. I've truly tried throughout my adulthood and it can never work out. I am a happier person without him in my life. I actually had to face the fact that he could and most likely will die without me "making up" with him. Of course inside I have struggled with guilt from the fact that he is my Father, (Honor thy Father) but I also know in my spirit that it is not right for me to open myself up to more bullshit. Even the burden of guilt - knowing he is lonely and growing older - doesn't outweigh the relief from the burden of dealing with him in my life. I also do feel sad that I don't have a Father OR a Mother in my life. To be honest, I think I have the deepest need for a Mother more than anything... Anyway, this post only scratches the surface, but it's enough for today. And in general I don't dwell in sadness or misery over this. I am grateful for the many blessings in my life. :)
posted by shari at 2/23/2006 10:28:00 PM
2 Comments:
Gotta set boundaries before you can look at something objectively, so good for you.
I agree with the boundary setting.
My folks split up when I was 18 months old - I don't remember my Dad at all. One day, when I was in grade 10, out of the blue, I received a Christmas card. I wrote him a letter, he wrote me back. Next, when I was 23, I met him for the first time. Then, nothing, until about three years ago (when I was 34) we bagan to speak on the phone every month or so. Now, this spring, he's talking about flying out for a visit...
It's weird. I have no feelings - anger, love, anything - toward him. In all honesty, I know my own Father about as well as I know someone from reading their blog, if not less. We seem compelled, mainly from our social upringings that we should hold certain feelings toward our parents, etc. I don't agree - love and respect, etc. are all things that need to be earned, not granted by devine right to someone simply because they were a part of the pro-creation equation.
So, in a long winded way, I concurr entirely with Eileen's comment.
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